This had 6 degrees of WTFness

I know they are a bit strange out there, but this was seriously wacko

 

Farm Trip

Murderer in court.

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard."

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard."

The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

Love Quotes

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.  ~Albert Einstein

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip.   ~Jonathan Carroll, "Outside the Dog Museum"

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?  ~Author Unknown

Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.  ~W. Somerset Maugham, A Writer's Notebook, 1949

Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction.  ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery 

Love - a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker. ~Author Unknown

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down. ~Oprah Winfrey

Without love, what are we worth? Eighty-nine cents!  Eighty-nine cents worth of chemicals walking around lonely. ~MASH, Hawkeye

I've fallen in love many times... Always with you. ~Author Unknown

Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place. ~Zora Neale Hurston

A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy. ~George Jean Nathan

Our love could change the orbit of the earth. So, if a meteor ever comes hurtling towards earth with the guarantee of destruction, top scientists may call on us to, well, you know, do it like crazy for the sake of humankind. ~Author Unknown

Love means nothing in tennis, but it's everything in life. ~Author Unknown

We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love. ~Author Unknown

Falling in love is so hard on the knees. ~Aerosmith

licence

A guy orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the  >
bar.. It hits the blond woman's boobs and splashes all over them.  The
bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her  breasts.
Each time the guy calls for another beer this happens. So after his  third
beer, he decides to help the bartender out. The next time the  bartender
hits her breasts, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts  and she
decks him!
He is laying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... Why do you let  the
bartender do it?'
'Duh,' says the blond, 'He has a licker license!  He showed it to  me!'

heaven

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,'
Peter replied,
'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.. 'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man. 'This is heaven,'
St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing bran Flakes.
We could have
been here ten years ago!'

BRITISH AIRWAYS

A mother and her young son were flying British Airways from London to Sydney. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "Why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So, the little boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?". The boy said that she had.
With a clever grin, the flight attendant said, "Tell your mother it's because British Airways always pulls out on time."